Life Is Not Purgatory
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Pheromones
... and other things that smell (a serious diversion from the soap opera of my life).
There are subjects that people dance around because they are afraid to tear the scab off wounds, or to emotionally injure friends with the truth and yet secretly they yearn for the opportunity to discuss it when the other party seems prepared or at least capable of handling the comments. I was up until 4:00am this morning having just such a conversation.
Almost everyone has met a few people who have 'rubbed them the wrong way', and I am no exception. Some people (especially women) get a 'widgy feeling', are 'creeped out' or otherwise simply feel uncomfortable in the presence of some individuals. A friend of mine is one of those people whom constantly receives a negative reaction that have been described in any manner of caustic ways (from misogynist to predatory). Now this friend (whom many of you know by this point of the description already) is empathetic enough to realize that he gives of these nefarious vibes. The real problem is that no matter what he does, he reinforces the initial perception:
- If he lies back and stays out of the flow of conversation he give of the impression of being anti-social perhaps even a would-be stalker.
- If he engages in conversation but is not quite articulate or witty enough then he is the social misfit (even beyond the already wide circle of misfits in LRPS) and that reinforces the uncomfortable aura.
- If he takes social cues from others such as myself who are outgoing even flirty, he comes across as lecherous, perhaps even worse.
He broached the subject with me last evening, and I confirmed his suspicions. Over the past few years I have had several conversations with my friends and acquaintances who had encountered this aura and I have repeatedly defended him to several. While I cannot make them be affected by the aura I can and have encouraged others to work past it and meet the person I know, rather than the person they sense.
Here is the catch twenty-two in this situation. The perception appears to create a self-fulfilling prophecy as people shun these people, as their emotional well-being is constantly and consistently eroded by these series of events, these victims become less likely to brave the social ostracism and become more withdrawn. As they become more withdrawn they develop more anti-social tendencies and make people more uncomfortable... and so on... and so on...
So where does this cycle lead? I don't know... but nowhere good. I have a theory that pheromones may bear some responsibility for such initial reactions, as these reaction can occur in members of the opposite sex before they even open their mouths. It cannot simply be a matter of confidence and charisma, can it? I've made a suggestion of seeking professional help in behavioral therapy or psychology, and it's being looked into.
Regardless, I've been wanting to blog about this for years, and now I finally can. It is my sincere hope that if you meet or know such a person, rather than submitting to the initial unfavorable impression attempt to suppress it and get to know the person behind the aura, the pheromones, or the mask. It won't be easy, but I think a little effort can create alot of benefit.
... and other things that smell (a serious diversion from the soap opera of my life).
There are subjects that people dance around because they are afraid to tear the scab off wounds, or to emotionally injure friends with the truth and yet secretly they yearn for the opportunity to discuss it when the other party seems prepared or at least capable of handling the comments. I was up until 4:00am this morning having just such a conversation.
Almost everyone has met a few people who have 'rubbed them the wrong way', and I am no exception. Some people (especially women) get a 'widgy feeling', are 'creeped out' or otherwise simply feel uncomfortable in the presence of some individuals. A friend of mine is one of those people whom constantly receives a negative reaction that have been described in any manner of caustic ways (from misogynist to predatory). Now this friend (whom many of you know by this point of the description already) is empathetic enough to realize that he gives of these nefarious vibes. The real problem is that no matter what he does, he reinforces the initial perception:
- If he lies back and stays out of the flow of conversation he give of the impression of being anti-social perhaps even a would-be stalker.
- If he engages in conversation but is not quite articulate or witty enough then he is the social misfit (even beyond the already wide circle of misfits in LRPS) and that reinforces the uncomfortable aura.
- If he takes social cues from others such as myself who are outgoing even flirty, he comes across as lecherous, perhaps even worse.
He broached the subject with me last evening, and I confirmed his suspicions. Over the past few years I have had several conversations with my friends and acquaintances who had encountered this aura and I have repeatedly defended him to several. While I cannot make them be affected by the aura I can and have encouraged others to work past it and meet the person I know, rather than the person they sense.
Here is the catch twenty-two in this situation. The perception appears to create a self-fulfilling prophecy as people shun these people, as their emotional well-being is constantly and consistently eroded by these series of events, these victims become less likely to brave the social ostracism and become more withdrawn. As they become more withdrawn they develop more anti-social tendencies and make people more uncomfortable... and so on... and so on...
So where does this cycle lead? I don't know... but nowhere good. I have a theory that pheromones may bear some responsibility for such initial reactions, as these reaction can occur in members of the opposite sex before they even open their mouths. It cannot simply be a matter of confidence and charisma, can it? I've made a suggestion of seeking professional help in behavioral therapy or psychology, and it's being looked into.
Regardless, I've been wanting to blog about this for years, and now I finally can. It is my sincere hope that if you meet or know such a person, rather than submitting to the initial unfavorable impression attempt to suppress it and get to know the person behind the aura, the pheromones, or the mask. It won't be easy, but I think a little effort can create alot of benefit.
